i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
