gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
