The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
