Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize