Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
