Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Randomize
