I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
