roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
