I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
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