The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
organizing the empties. That sober.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
so much tequila, so little girl.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
