then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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