Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
we have pet lesbian snakes
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
