You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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