He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
