im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
