On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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