girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
