I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
babies were throwing up all over the place
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
