Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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