I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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