Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
