Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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