Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
