sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize