if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
