I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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