so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
