My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize