Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
