I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
