Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
