Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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