he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
