i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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