Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
