I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize