who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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