Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm like, not good at living.
A+ Viking dick
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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