Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
