Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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