i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
