god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Randomize
