If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
