last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
it hurts more in the daytime
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
