The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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