You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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