Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
