he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
