i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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