The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
