I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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