I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
50% drunk capacity currently
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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