I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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