keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
