I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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