It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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