Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
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