I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I'm too high and old for this...
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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