You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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